Loving getting older? "Letting life happen, This is my life, so why not have some fun with it?"

I initially titled this blog, "Loving getting older."  And then as I wrote, well it just turned into something unexpected and went in a separate direction and I let it be. 

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Well, 2014  has been one of the most challenging years of my life this far.  In fact, I have felt very defeated and I admit to hating my life at times.  I have been very unlike me;  negative, complaining, feeling sorry for myself, criticizing others etc. etc.  I feel like my inner joy and peace has been sucked right out and this new person is one that I don't want to be. It has been a selfish path of discovery and acknowledgement, of realizing that I can't do what I dreamed of and coming to terms with it.  Of acknowledging that life is not all about me and that my family and friends in my life are more important to me than anything.  

Last night at work, I shared a touching moment with a co-worker talking about "those special patients," the ones that you just connect with and are drawn too.  We briefly talked about caring for them as they died and why was it that it was always the most incredible people that succumb to cancer? Then we both laughed and cried and I realized that it was those incredible people that through their strength and incredible character in death, touched me so profoundly. I realized that this might be their very purpose in life, a last gift to others.   A gift given to me last light.   Last night, I revisited my selfish life and feelings and remembered that everyone is struggling in their own way.   This all came about after visiting a patient I had cared for recently.  It all happened in one unexpected moment.

I feel like sometimes we are convinced of our apparent unworthiness, that we do everything to prevent the good stuff from entering our lives.  I don't think that we do this consciously of course.  I am slowly learning that all I need to do to help the good stuff manifest is to step out of the way, to stop littering the path with my worries and insecurities, and the endless head-chatter that scares the dream wisps away.  In some ways it's easier to sabotage our dreams then help them become reality--that way when they don't happen we can shrug our shoulders and say, "see, I knew it.  I'm not worth it."

There is a part of me that assumed life would be easier once I got used to my new job, came to terms with some physical limitations, and acknowledged that this is my home now.  At this point in my life I thought I would be married with children filling my house, that I would be more successful by now, and more established--blah, blah, blah.  What I am starting to understand is that this is it-- This is my life, so why not have some fun with it?-

Last night at work, for the first time in a long time, I told my stories again. As our crew gathered together around the nurses station, Pam became a new friend in my heart and as we cried for a moment and then laughed together and shared funny "poop" stories (which are always the best!) I felt somehow connected again in my life.  I felt a little bit of my joyous self coming back and a glimmer of hope that this point in my life shall too pass. As others laughed at my crazy stories and I laughed at theirs my heart awoke again. Today, my life is a malleable piece of clay, and I will see what shapes I can create.  Because no one else is going to do it for me, and heck, maybe some good stuff will happen.

My part of the deal is to work hard, be committed, and have a little faith.  And to make room in my life for the good stuff to flow.   We are allowed to have our dreams big and small and everything in between.  I think of them like children--to be protected and nurtured, believed in and encouraged--and when the time is right, you need only get out of their way so you can stretch your wings and fly.

Here is to experiencing life good and bad and being able to come back from the bad times; to doing those things that make our heart sing!  I want to thank everyone for that silly time last night,  as insignificant as it would seem, it brought me back from somewhere I didn't want to be.

Squirrel