Ode to living on the farm: My night of sheer terror.

O'H CRAP..

I’m tired and hungry as I pull in the driveway, but it’s my friday….whoopee!  Twinkles and Mojo, my miniature donkeys bray and the horses whinny as I get out of the car.  I hurry to feed them before going in the house; anxious to finish chores and relax.

The hay barn is dark. Fumbling around feeling for the orange shop light hanging on the wall, I cautiously take small steps.  Whack!  Pain radiates across my forehead. Stunned, and instantly mad,  I realize it’s the old step on the bottom of the rake trick.  It really is just like the cartoons!! Stepping back, my foot sticks in the pallet.  Thud, the wheelbarrow is behind me and I sit down hard. I remember I cleaned out the horse trailer last week and never emptied the wheelbarrow. I resist wiping my butt as I stand up.

Everyone fed,  I rub my tender forehead and walk in the door.  Stripping my scrubs off and tossing them in the laundry room, I head straight for my soft recliner and decide to call my friend Terri. Ahh, I sink down into soft heaven and prop my feet up.  Bliss.

Tanner (Bassett Hound), whines and looks at me with his front feet up on the couch and howls.  I pry myself off the recliner and bend down to give him a  1-2-3 as we call it and  boost him up on the couch.   Bloody hell, I think, my life is run by the dogs.  Plopping back into the recliner, a pungent odor permeates me.  I shake it off and continue to chat with Terri.   The odor grows stronger and I glance around perplexed.  Big paw prints run across the floor in circles.  Leaning down closer to investigate; much too close in fact, I realize that it is dog poop!

Glancing over at Tanner on the couch, I curse under my breath. I don’t know if you have ever seen a Bassett hounds feet, but they are like softball mitts;  like a Frito's scoop chip. The pooh is glued in every crevice and stuck to the hair protruding from the pads.  I just can't fathom how there could be anymore left on his feet!  I scrub and scrub, trying not to gag. 

Satisfied with my job,  I look on in horror and disbelief at my house.

Gross, Eww, and many other things come to mind as I survey the damage.  I get off the phone after explaining my predicament and survey the area.  Poop prints from the dog door through the kitchen tile floor, a straight path through the living room, round and round my beautiful Persian rug, poop on the couch…Are you getting the picture?

I gag as I open the door to the computer room. Chunks, tid bits and more circles.  I have no words to express the scene in front of me.  Horrific, and Holy Crap..comes to mind.  I move the vacuum cleaner into the closet from the living room; clearing the area.  Walking back into the living room with my mop, paper towels and a bucket of cleaner I stop briefly.

EEEK..you have to be kidding me!  The onslaught continues. The vacuum cleaner had poop on the wheel…Now there is another trail through the entire house…the closet is on the opposite side of the house.  Really!!?

I now have poop on my shoes. This is not looking good. I’m tired, my back hurts, the clock says 9:30PM . Armed with every kind of chemical known to man, rubber gloves up to the elbows, my old volleyball knee pads in place, I am ready to take it on. 

Don't mix the chemicals..PPleease.  Bleach and simple green clear out my sinuses as I take a deep breath. I'm getting Cancer tonight!  There is just nothing worse than the smell of dog sh....t!  Getting down on my hands and knees I go for it.  Possessed, I clean like a mad woman. Sweat drips down my forehead, I brush away my hair with my gloves. Arggh. Why do I always do that. Pffft, Pfft, my hair sticks to my mouth.    Bucket after bucket full of brown water, I reach the kitchen and backtrack all the way to the dog door.

 Dragging the carpet cleaner from the basement I head for the computer room. I run the carpet cleaner back and forth repeatedly and decide that this environmental green carpet cleaner is a joke.  I make my own solution, hoping it doesn't bleach out the carpet.  The carpet finally looking clean,  I let the dogs in and start to put everything away.  The clock says 11pm, and I realize that I am still starving. Only I could still have an appetite after this. One of the benefits of being a nurse?  I  head towards the bathroom for one last assault on my body.  By now I am so cranky I can't even stand to be around myself.

Rounding the corner I smell something vile..rank…..

There on the dog bed is Tanner chewing happily away. I switch the lights on and move in closer for a better look. Nooooo......  it can’t be.  I curse under my breath and Tanner sprints for the dog door sensing my wrath. The scene before me makes the dog poop look like child's play.

 We lost Spots, one of our barn cats a few weeks back. 

I stand staring down at what is left of "Spots." Leathery looking, spine protruding and mouth open.  I recognize her only by the color of her coat.  I cannot believe my eyes. Gulp…It’s official….nightmare at the weaver farm, scene II enfolds.  I snap a picture in disbelief, because I know no one will believe this.  My cheeks flush and I think. U'h oh.   Kicking out,  I convulse and contemplate throwing myself on the ground like a 2 year while yelling out.  A brief private and violent tantrum takes over and I give in helplessly as I have a meltdown right there in the middle of the hallway.  I feel instantly better. 

Grabbing a pitchfork from the barn, I scoop up Spots and toss her out in the field.  
Gag…..the smell is nauseating as her limp body dangles from the fork.  I have no words.  Spent, I throw the dog bed in the trash, break out the carpet cleaner and finish up.

Downing a glass of wine, I tear the freezer apart looking for my Lindt Dark Chocolate.  Biting into the dark chocolate I contemplate the evening. Vile and awful, but somehow deeply funny , I know I have to write about it.

Interesting?  Certainly. Good story op?  Me thinks so.  Horrific night? I'll let you be the judge.  Lesson learned? I’m still pondering that one.  Adventure?  Indeed, but maybe not in the traditional sense.

Squirrel.